my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
