last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Randomize
