in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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