Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
