I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
You dont lie about slip and slides
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
