nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
