The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
