I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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