I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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