Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
