Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
operation have a gay friend backfired
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
