I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
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