so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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