I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
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