what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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