I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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