there's paper in my vomit.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
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