My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize