Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
