Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Randomize
