I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
it was like eating out sand paper
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
splinters make it hard to masturbate
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
