Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
