Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
