Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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