Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Randomize
