i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
