don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
