what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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