That's intense
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
