i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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