I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Randomize
