Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize