afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
