i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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