He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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