life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
