I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
i will never coherently bang her
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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