I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
