You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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