You just made me feel so damn special
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
