You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
