i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Randomize
