Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
