So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
