hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
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