hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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