sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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