I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Randomize
