coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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