woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
The beer is more important than you right now.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
