a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I'm like, not good at living.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize