I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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