Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
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