Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize
