Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
