So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
