I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
me + whiskey = a bad person
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
