good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
