We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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