If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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