have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Randomize
