Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
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