Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
