Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
