Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize
