Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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