walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
There are leaves in my underwear?
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
