Who did Billy Mays play for?
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
