I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Randomize
