she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
You took a bar mat shot.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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