i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Randomize
