Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
