sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
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